The Epics of the Ton: The Female Book.
Footnotes done by author
[3]
Line 4.] The eruptions of Mount Vesuvius, Dr. Lawrence, &c.

Line 6.] This mode of expression, when we consider the dimensions and isophagical capacity of the little great man, seems rather more appropriate than the celebrated figure swallowing us up quick.

[4]
Line 10.] It is needless to inform my fashionable readers that La Belle Assemble, that ornament of every lady's toilet, is published by Bell the father, while Le Beau Monde, that inseparable companion of every man's fashion, is given to the world by Bell the son. But it is necessary to state, that a promise on the part of these gentlemen is the cause why this volume is not adorned with plates. As they have advertised their intention of giving the subjects of my song to the public in a series of engravings, of which the first will appear in an early number of their valuable repositories, I thought it unnecessary to increase the price of my publication by embellishing it with the plates. The fashionable world may depend upon it, that the elegance of the execution will correspond with their highest expectation; and I would recommend to all lovers of this volume, to secure good impressions, by early ordering La Bell Assemblee and Le Beau Monde for the next two or three years. Had it not been for this undertaking of Messrs. Bell, each of the following epics would have been

[5]
adorned with a cut, exhibiting a striking likeness of the hero or heroine. Note by the Author.

Line 19.] Every one knows the author of the "Fop in Fashion." His writings were a lesson to the bagnios; his conduct an improvement on his precepts. At the licentious court of Charles the Second, his volaptuous plays gave a zest to the languid intervals of debauchery; and his Dorimant taught the youth of both sexes to mingle wit with wine, and address with profligacy. Half a century afterwards, the elegant pen of Addison could scarcely banish his lewd ribaldry from the toilet. His end corresponded with his life. After having wasted his fortune and his nose in the service of Bacchus and of Venus, he tumbled down stairs, as he rose from one of his debauches, and broke his neck in the very article of drunkenness.

Line 20.] It is needles to tell the knowing reader of those rows of female figures, with stiff necks and wry heads, which are usually seen suspended in old

[6]
galleries, and which are known by the name of King Charles Beauties.

Line 21.] Poor Smollett! It is lamentable to recollect that the author of Roderick Random and of Humphrey Clinker should have prostituted his pen to delineate the debaucheries of Peregrine Pickle. Does the latter display genius? so much the worse. The prostitute, who haunts the way-side in rags, only disgusts the loathing eye: it is she, whose voluptuous limbs shine through the transparent muslin, that lures us to our ruin. Peregrine Pickle adorns many a toilet, where Aristotle's Master-piece would be thought to carry indelible pollution. It is said that my Lord----------, on entering her ladyship's apartment one morning, perceived the third volume of Peregrine Pickle under her pillow. As she was asleep, he gently withdrew it, and substituted in its room a Common Prayer book. One may imagine her ladyship's surprise, when, on awakening, and resorting to her dear morning treat, she found the amours of Lady---converted by magic art in the Litany.

Line 21.] It was a good moral thought, to create a

[7]
general abhorrence of Vice, by producing her stark naked before the world. But unfortunately, so tempting, so piquant did the fiend appear, that the daughter as well as the sons of Jerusalem began to long after strange flesh. In short, the development produced, if was not intended to produce, the same effect as when Alcibiades bared the bosom of the Athenian courtezan before the judges. The dread of the pillory, however, on this, as on the other occasions, proved an admirable corrector of the press; and the second edition of the Monk issued forth a very harmless and a very insipid performance. The spirit was fled; and it has left its author only a name.

Line 26.] Such are his never-ending themes; as the everlasting joys of love and wine were sung by the elder Teian. Yet it must be owned, that if he seldom expresses more than hugs and kisses, he often comes very near something more substantial. Witness the Wedding Ring--"And now, --O Heaven!" I am not apt to dread much from bad books, but I must own I was startled when I discovered these salacious rays on a lady's dressing table. Thanks to my happy stars! neither she nor Mrs. T. is my wife. There is a considerable adaptation to the subject in the following stan-

[8]
zas, which appeared in the Morning Herald of the 25th of last October:
"On certain Licentious Poems lately published."

"O listen to the voice of love,
'Wild boars of the Westphaly!
" Your pretty hearts let music move,
"Tis Mauro's harmony.

"Your ear incline, ye gently swine,
"While he extols you loves;
"For though from you he learnt to whine,
"Yet the song improves.

"Listen each bristly beau and belle,
"And leave the genial tray;
"You'll find the poets song excel
"Fresh acorns and sweet whey.

"O listen to the voice of love,
"Rain cats on moonlight tiles,
"The minstrel of the lemon grove
"Records your Cyprian wiles.

"Ye goats that ply your nimble shanks
"On ancient Penmanmaur,
"Bleat him your thanks, who sings your pranks,
"While satyrs cry encore.

[9]
"And all ye Incubi that ride
"The night-mare through the gloom,
"The chorus swell.--Your poet's shell
"Is strung from Circe's loom."

Line 31.] this man, the Blacker of the age, if we look at the number of his Epics, might become its Drained, if his fancy were chastened by judgment, and his taste cleansed from the maggots of the new school. But, mistaking facility of composition for inspiration, and imagining that to restrain the overwhelming flood of his versification would be to dam up the pure current of genius, his swollen torrent is likely to overflow for a while, and then subside into a very pitiful streamlet. But it is in vain to admonish. --Volvitur et volvetur--alas! that we cannot add--in omne volubilis oevum!

Line 34.] Every one knows how meritoriously Wordsworth has laboured to bring our poetry to the simplicity of nature. In his unsophisticated pages we discover no gaudy trappings, no blazing metaphors, no affected attempts at poetical diction. Every thing is

[10]
pure from the hand of untutored nature; nor do we discover a single thought or phrase that might not have been uttered by a promising child of six years old. What an improvement is this on the laboured conceits of Pope! on the learned lumber of Milton! Yet I will aver, that there may be found, in Wordsworth, beauties which these poets never reached, nor even dreamt of. Produce me from all their writings any thing to match the simply affecting tale of Goody Blake and Harry Gill; or a line in which the sound so well corresponds with the sense, as in the following description of Harry's doom--
"-----His teeth went chatter, chatter,
"Chatter, chatter, chatter, still."
What renders the beautiful superiority of this mode of expression still more striking is the facility with which it may be employed, with equal effect, on a thousand different occasions. For example, it might be said of Goody Blake, who now wanted the teeth:
Her gums went mumble, mumble,
Mumble, mumble, mumble, still
Or of ladies on pattens--
Their feet went clatter, clatter,
Clatter, clatter, clatter, still.
Or of the persevering efforts of a dog at a furze-bush--
Here Lightfoot he made water, water,
Water, water, water, still.

[11]
Line 35.] There is much in the title of a book; and if there is nothing else for which as author deserves praise, still his ingenuity out to be applauded if he has devised a happy appellation for his work. Every one feels the pleasures of memory: the very words excite a thousand agreeable associations; and miserable must the minstrel be, who cannot chime in a few notes hat will please, when the soul is so fully prepared to enjoy them. On such an occasion, the unoffending strains of Rogers,--soft, delicate, polished, sympathetic youth! could not fail to be interesting; but he may thank the blessed poetic powers of former years that Goldsmith lived, and that the Traveller and the Deserted Village were written.

Line 37.] In former days poets, we are told, could not make a bare livelihood of the fruit of their brains. They might sing like Syrens, and beg like gypsies, and yet after all they could scarcely make a shift to dine on one dish, and drink small beer. Times, it would appear, are altered. Scott, by producing before us the lays of our ancient minstrels, and by himself bringing up the rear, enjoys large prices of copy-rights, and a couple of good offices. To his honour, few men deserve better to thrive in the world.

[12]
Line 39.] The first poetical genius of our age; but unfortunately more wit than discreet. With such lagging in steps were his first efforts, his Pleasures of Hope, followed up, that we began to look upon it as one of the bright rays which the sun of genius sometimes darts forth at his rising, and afterwards plunges his head in impenetrable clouds, which never leave him till he sets. But the Battle of Hohenlinden proved that the genius of Campbell was still to shine, and to exceed to his noon the promise of his morn. Alas! how men neglect the talents by which they are destined to excel! how they waste their efforts in what they can never achieve! Campbell must needs be a politician, and write a history .--He that could soar to the empyreal regions, must needs lay aside his wings, and attempt, at the imminent danger of his neck, to dance on the slack rope!

Line 40.] It is now said he has got a pension. This may relieve his wants, but not retrieve his reputation. It is miserable to see the man, whose talents might procure him opulence with fame, hold out his suppliant

[13]
hand, and fawn on a courtier for morsel of bread.

Line 50.] Surely it would be far more gratifying to see the streams of poetry distributed in all the fantastic shapes known two centuries ago; spouted from the mouths of Tritons or Naiads, dashed over cataracts ten feet high, and tossed jetties over surface of a yard-wide pool:--than to behold them, after the present fashion, meandering through a smooth shaven lawn, in a channel cut out of sod, and just so many inches broad in every quarter, without a single solitary pebble to give a little play to the ever-glassy surface.

Line 54.] This admirable and ancient definition of an epic poem (to which the following epics correspond as completely as any that have ever been written) appears, as is usual with the beauties of antiquity, to have a reference to certain striking analogies in nature; such, for instance, as that of all quadrupeds and many bipeds,

[14]
each of which has a beginning, a middle, and an end, in other words, a head, a belly, and a tail.

Line 55.] Thus Pope:
"I in my little bark attendant sail," &c.

Line 66.] Madame Pompadour: one of the most insolent, unprincipled, profligate, and revengeful, of

[15]
those harlots who, in France, trampled all virtue and decency under foot; and, by shewing how much morals and religion were despised in the palace of the sovereign, loosened the hold of these ties over the minds of the people, and precipitated the throne of France to its ruin. How blind are princes, how criminal, when they endanger their own destruction, and the good order, virtue, and happiness of their people, for such sensual gratifications as would appear despicable in the lowest debauchee! Will no warning voice be heard? no repetition of examples strike? the profligacy of Louis the Fifteenth, was followed by the death of his successor on a scaffold. Happy Britain! thy virtuous King has set a far different example; and, amidst all the temptations of a court, has never once deviated from the wife of his youth.

Line 68.] The reader will readily recollect the celebrated toast, fat, fair and forty.


[16]
Line 80.] When an honest unsuspecting man has been deceived by warm professions of friendship, entrapped by specious promises, and at length deserted by those who have caused his ruin, I detest his betrayers, I pity his misfortunes, I would stand forth to proclaim his wrongs to the world, and assert his right to redress. But when a very sycophant, after having licked the footsteps of a patron and his------, whose character he well knew, is at length cast off, and begins in a half-whining, half angry tone, to remonstrate thus before the world: --"Was I not the most assiduous of your slaves? Did I not do all your dirty jobs without a murmur? would I not still have done so, had you not kicked me, spit on me, left me sprawling in the dirt?" When. I listen to a scene of this sort, I only moralize

[17]
to myself, that spaniels who snarl deserve to have their ears pulled.

Line 84.] Hine atque hine vastae rupes."
VIRGIL.

Line 94.] --Et incestos amores
De tenero meditatur ungui.

Line 95.] Here the author himself speaks; for the
Muse if the Ton is plainly silent.

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Line 114.] We are assured that no lady is ever allowed to enter the Seraglio, without sharing in the honours of the place. This is no more to be dispensed with than the oaths at Highgate.

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Line 121.] Peccant part means her head.

Line 122.] About nineteen the beautiful dame was led to the altar, and became mother of several children; by whom, it is not to be questioned, since her husband was within the narrow seas. Unfortunately, however, she in time discovered that there existed between herself and her spouse that great cause of mental divorce, incompatibility of temper. He was not the being with whom her soul had panted to shine through life, and her eager fancy began to long after brighter visions. In this frame of mind, as she one night lay by the side of her sleeping lord, she fell into a sort of rapturous slumber, and dreamed that lo! her heart lay bleeding at her feet! All night long she ruminated on this remarkable vision, and towards day concluded its interpretation must be that "he should at length pick up her bleeding heart would be a personage so

[20]
great, that it must needs roll in the dust before him." Is it to be wondered at that this bright prospect should tempt her to quit a foolish husband, and a bevy of clamorous children, after having drawled through this fatiguing scene (not wholly barren of other pleasures) for fourteen years?

Line 124.] See the play of the Stranger, and various fashionable German novels, which teach husbands to bear, with perfect good humour, certain accidents hitherto accounted grievous mishaps.

Line 127.] One would imagine, on reading this epitaph, that Arria had consented to survive her Paetus,

[21]
till she should celebrate his virtues on his tomb.

Line 134.] Such was the invigorating occupation of the Maid of Arc, whom Southey has transformed into a moon-struck shepherdess.

Line 138.] Such was the secret spring of all the wonderful movements which we have mentioned. To be another Lady M--ry W--rt--y M--nt--gne! To shine in the eyes of the present generation, and be equally admired by the next! Hence the banks of the Hellespont were attained by the circuitous route of Weimar, Paris, Venice, Vienna, Warsaw, Petersburgh, Moscow, Crim Tartary, and the Bosphorus!!! Hence Paris, and Constantinople, and Athens, were be-written in letters, and be-printed in narratives. Luckily, at the very moment of return, the forsaken peer kindl quitted this nether world, and left the heroine free and unconfined to mount aloft to her high destiny.

[22]
Line 141.] In the name of the old Father Thames, I thank her h---s for erecting this antique Gothic Thespian barn on his banks, to the great delight and edifica-

[23]
tion of his holiday votaries. Some persons have said (what will not envy say?) that it is a curious contradiction in taste to imprint false marks of antiquity so zealously upon this pile, while she effaces the real ones with no less industry from her own person.

Line 163.] "What though the general camp, pio-
neers and all,
"Had tasted her sweet body."
SHAKESPEARE.

Line 168.] By a law among the Romans, persons guilty of certain atrocious crimes were shut up in a bag with a cat, an ape, and a serpent, and so thrown into the Tiber. It is difficult to say what reformation an ex-

[24]
ample or two of this kind might work in the present day.

Line 170.] Our author, to make the real vices of the age appear trivial, seems to have drawn, from his imagination, a fictitious character of a peculiarly deformed aspect. This is an innocent artifice to transmit to posterity as favourable an impression of his own times as possible. Whether he had in his eye any noted character of ancient days, I am unable to determine, since he has not even afforded room for conjecture, by prefixing any mysterious capitals to the delineation. But certain it is, that no personage of this description can have existed since the days of Messalina, unless perhaps that fair Borgia, whose knight-errant Roscoe has so gallantly declared himself.

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Line 176.] Not those of the Olympus, or the Upper Gallery.

Line 179.] Such, according to report, was the manner in which the finery was procured for the ball at which this gallant feat was achieved. His grace danced with the enchanting Miss M---, and from that lucky moment conceived an irresistible propensity to conduct her to the altar.

Line 184.] I wonder that none of our ingenious caricaturists have caught this idea:--a dowager shifting around her chair from the car-table, adjusting her spectacles, and then intently employing her double vision to criticise the young thing just produced in public.

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Line 194.] It is a current opinion among the worthy parsons in a northern province, that there is not such another theologian in petticoats.

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Line 212.] In the days of Republican Rome the daughter of a Patrician family would have scorned to match with the highest foreign king, and still more with a
of Corsica! Rome had fallen to the dust

[28]
before even ancient royalty could tempt her high-born daughters into the arms of a barbarian.

Line 232.] Rara avis in terris nigroque simillima cygno.
JUVENAL.

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Line 262.] The reader will observe that the author, with infinite good nature, and an anxious wish to give unmingled praise, has here said nothing of the scandalous reports of C---d
Row, the prodigious sum lost in one night, the wrath of his G---e, the intended sale of plate, equipage, &c.&c.; with several other little matters among the gossips. But let it be remembered, that as deserved praise is the choicest meed of virtue, so unqualified applause, where censure is die becomes the most bitter satire.

[31]
Line 280.] A description of the Neapolitan nobles, which will no doubt be very edifying to our imitating higher ranks, I shall extract from the celebrated Kotzebue, who, two years ago, visited them: "The higher classes of Naples are the savages of Europe. They eat, drink, sleep, and game. They neither have nor want any occupation but this last. The states of Europe are overthrown; they game no the less. Pompeii comes forth from his grave; still they game. The earth shakes; Vesuvius vomits forth flames; yet the gaming-table is not forsaken. The splendid ruins of Paestum, a few miles distant, so glorious a spectacle, are discovered only by strangers; for the Neapolitans are gaming.

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The greatest dukes and princes are keepers of gaming-tables. A Prince Rufando, one of the most considerable nobleman of the country, keeps the first gaming-house in Naples: and besides his, there are twenty others of the same description. Thither all the great world are seen driving at the approach of the evening. Strangers must be presented by some acquaintance; yet this is only a form. The stranger makes a slight inclination to the host, who as slightly returns it: but it is a rule that not a word is uttered. In other respects it is like being at a coffee-house, or worse than a coffee-house, for there one can have what he chases for money; but here are no refreshments, except perhaps a glass of water, after having ordered it ten times of the servant. A large but ill furnished drawing room is the rendezvous of rouge et noir and faro. A pile of chairs heaped up in a corner, of the room proves that a numerous company is expected. Scarcely have the gaudy throng rushed in, when they seat themselves, with greedy eyes fixed on the heaps of gold which glitter on the table. These meetings are called conversaziones, but no one here must attempt to converse. We hardly dare whisper a single word: if any thing more is attempted, an universal hiss commands deep silence and attention to the mysteries of the game. Old women, particularly, sit either gathering up money with their long bony fingers; or

[33]
with their green out-stretched eyes fixed on the rouge et noir table, lamenting the capricious decrees of fortune. Even handsome young women here degrade the dignity of their sex, setting beauty and the graces at defiance. The princess N., for example is a professed gamester. Many others come to make new conquests, or to secure the old; in both which business they lay no restraint upon themselves. A stranger is, at the first look, apprized of each lady's favourite. The husbands are either absent, or concern themselves not the least about the women; for of the execrated Italian jealousy here is not a single vestige. Even divines and children game: for example, the daughter of the Marquis Berio, who is not more than sight years old. The Marquis is one of the most enlightened noblemen. Some maintain that this degrading traffic brings the Prince Rufando five thousands ducats a year. Others say that he receives not more than twelve ducats a day for converting his palace into a gaming house!"

[34]
Line 298.] Every one must be convinced of the propriety of this metaphorical allusion to the legs of swans, unless indeed that these bipeds have not yellow clocks to their black silk hose.

[35]
Line 305.] The attractions of a newspaper containing the court dresses, both to those who have been, and those who have not been to this scene, are indescribable. A beau might win his mistress by being the first, next morning, to bring her this epitome of everything charming.

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Line 323.] It is rather mortifying to the love of posthumous fame, to observe how much more a person of great celebrity in the fashionable world is greeted with complimentary poem while alive than by elegies after death. A Nelson, whose praises every one is for a season ready to hear; or a Pitt, who has left behind him a party that may yet be in power, is indeed more fortunate, and bespattered with nauseous applauses in many thousand gobbling couplets. But the unhappy fashionables, when laid in the dust are seldom capable of producing more than a single Della Crusca sonnet in a newspaper. For the benefit of warning of my readers of this class, it may not be unseasonable to mention an anecdote of the Earl of Shrewsbury, a famous courtier in the days of Queen Elizabeth. He had, in his life-time, erected his own tomb, and caused a long inscription, containing a summary of all his transactions, to be engraved upon it; omitting only the date of his death, which it was impossible for him to divine. So well did this courtier understand mankind, that he foretold his heirs would neglect to make even this small ad-

[37]
dition to the inscription: and so it happened; for the space which should contain the date of his death remains a blank to this day!

Line 327.] A report was industriously circulated that this mawkish piece of would-be scandal had actually killed the illustrious personage it attempted to expose. Surely her thread of life must have been reduced to a single hair, if the flap of this moth's wing could snap it asunder! But the report had the desired effect; and several editions of this apology for a novel were sold off on the strength of an imaginary lady-slaughter!

Line 335.] Re-echoed from the harp of Delille, those

[38]
strains have rendered the genius of their author not less known and admired on the Continent than at home.

Line 339.] How indispensable are laws! what a poor security would mankind derive either from generosity, or from shame, if the authority of the magistrate did not come in aid of these uncertain restraints! How strongly is this evinced by the example of those orders who, in various countries, are privileged to cheat their creditors, without being subject either to have their estates seized or their persons imprisoned! One should imagine that the proud feelings of birth, the dread of staining a title derived from illustrious ancestors, the consciousness of being so prominently place in the eye of mankind, would prevent a noble from acting the part oa a mean, paltry, sordid, knave. Yet what is more common than to see a titled swindler pledge his faith and his honour for the payment of debts, which it has never entered his thoughts to discharge. the industrious tradesman is robbed of his property and ruined; while his plunderer, secure in the privileges of a peer, laughs at the misfortune, continues his course of

[39]
swindling, revels in the most expensive debauchery, and transmits his estate unimpaired to his posterity. For the sake of justice, for the sake of their own honour, the worthier part of the peerage out loudly to demand the abolition of this privilege. To the honourable it is useless; it is worse than useless, for it enables knaves to bring on their order unmerited disgrace.
While I thus address the peers, it may not be amiss just to hint to the peeresses, that it is inconsistent with common honesty to give, in exchange for valuable goods, their note of hand, which they know to be not worth a farthing. It is quite as bad as passing a bit of waste paper for a bank-note. Still more disgraceful and worthy of Botany Bay it is, to purchase goods of an honest tradesman, and carry them, unpaid for to the auctioneer, to procure a sum for the discharge of a gambling debt!

Line 343.] It was certainly an ingenious devise to heighten the value of a guinea, to place it between the ruby lips of a lady of the high fashion, and thus let it drop, in the act of kissing, into the liquorish mouth of the chuckling voter. The gentlemen of Newport-market

[40]
like it hugely; and would not have been without such a kiss for twenty guineas.

Line 350.] Forty busts of this celebrated lady are said to be in a train of execution at a thousand pounds each.

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Line 367.] It would be injustice to the excellent Bishop of London not to take every opportunity of holding up to praise and imitation his zealous efforts to prevent the day appropriated for public worship from being turned into an interval of licentious revels. It is no disrespect to couple with his name that of a man who may differ from him in some speculative questions, but who deserves to rank even with the bench of bishops for deeds of charity and indefatigable benevolence. The abuse here alluded to, the profanation of the sabbath, is a favourable pastime among our higher orders. I can forgive a laborious mechanic, or a sickly shop-keeper, who has all the week long been imprisoned in a confined alley, and compell'd to breathe unwholesome air --I can forgive him for making an excursion to the country on Sunday, or enjoying with his friends the recreation of a tea-garden. But when I see persons whose every day is a day of leisure, who seem born only to enjoy

[42]
the blessings of their Creator, refuse to devote to his public service the day which the laws have appointed for it; and even ambitiously endeavour to bring contempt on the institution, by rendering it the particular season of their revels--I feel indignant that such wanton irreligion should be suffered to pollute the morals of a nation. When I see such practices prevalent among the higher orders of society, I cannot help recollecting with a sigh, that the unfortunate Antoinette of France began, by a studied profanation of the day of worship, that conspicuous reverence for religious institutions, which their majesties have ever manifested, avert such calamities from our land!

Line 368.] The residence is now changed; but the manners remain unaltered. Trans mare ducatur, cattus mew vociferatur.

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Line 417.] So called from the title of its founder, and from the uses to which it is applied.

Line 419.] This gentleman had the unrivalled merit of reducing Moral Philosophy to the level of a fashionable audience, and of converting metaphysics into capital fun. For some time nothing was talked of at the west end of the town but his witty sayings; and had not a rich living, the just reward of his merits, stopt his mouth, he might in time have borne away the palm from joe Miller. It is certainly a very happy faculty to have the power of being facetious on all occasions; and of witticizing, with equal felicity, while lecturing on the doctrines of Reid, or reviewing a volume of sermons.

421.] The boldness of the attempt was not equalled by its success. Chemistry , it would appear, is not so promising a subject for humour as metaphysics; and it is not every one that is born a wit. It is not everyday that Astley can pick up Grimaldi, or Harris a Munden, or B----rn----d a S---S---.

[46]
Line 423.] An experimental lecture on music certainly forms a very delicate accompaniment for experimental lectures on metaphysics and chemistry. Dibdin, at his Sans Souci, in Leicester- Square, first introduced the fashion of spouting, playing, reciting, strutting, demonstrating, diverting--all in a breath; and it would have been strange indeed if the proprietors of the R--l I------n had not adopted so successful an expedient for collecting an auditory.

Line 429.] this is a hint not to be omitted by artists. A friend stationed in a coffee-house may appear to be there for pleasure as well as for business: the conversation may naturally enough turn of the subject of a portrait-painting; and without exciting suspicion, L---, or M---, or N---, or O---, may be mentioned in the highest terms of applause, as the first ar-

[47]
tist of this sort in the universe. A visit to the repositories of the said initials, and a subsequent order for a very fine (but not laborious) picture may be the consequence. In such a case, it can be but a trifling diminution of the profits, to put a guinea into the hands of so useful a friend.

Line 433.] It may be questioned how far such human sacrifices are acceptable to this grey-bearded divinity.

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Line 443.] A treatise on cookery, well known about half a century ago.

Line 445.] While the ladies of fashion; in the present day, are almost as much unacquainted with the use of their needle, as much with baking bread, cooking of dinner, and weaving of broad cloth, which, as we learn from Homer and Virgil, were the common employments of princesses and ladies of quality in the time of the Trojan war--it is not a little to the credit of the queen of Great Britain, that she is not less dexterous at needle-work than any of her royal ancestors. I have seen ladies, who had scarcely wherewithal to buy their finery, extremely proud of having never hemmed a frill, or embroidered a handkerchief for themselves. It appeared to them an indisputable mark of gentility that they had never been taught to employ an hour, cheerfully and usefully, in those works which become a woman. If they were capable of feeling it, 'tis a bitter satire on such pretenders of fashion, when their foolish vanity is reproved by an example from the throne.

Line 455.] It is curious to observe the difference which existed in the education and pursuits of learned ladies of fashion in the barbarous days of King Henry the Eighth, and in the present times. The Lady Jane Grey, before she was twelve years old, was mistress of eight languages. She wrote and spoke English with elegance and accuracy. French, Italian, Latin, and even Greek, she possessed remarkable perfection; and she had made some progress in Hebrew, Chaldaic, Arabic. Yet, in the pursuit of these extraordinary acquisitions, she did not fall into any neglect of those useful and ornamental arts, which are peculiarly desirable in the female sex. The delicacy of her taste was displayed in a variety of needle works, and even in the beauty and regularity of her handwriting. She played admirably on several musical instruments, and accompanied them with a voice peculiarly sweet. Though of noble and royal descent, she did not think herself excused from the performance of any of her duties, and her cultivated mind enabled her to think, speak, and reason, with astonishing propriety, on the most important subjects.

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With these qualities, her good humour, mildness, and humility were such, that she appeared to derive no pride from all her acquisitions. One day when her father and mother, the Marquis and Marchioness of Dorset, with all their attendants, were hunting in the park, a learned gentleman, who came on a visit to the family, was astonished to find the Lady Jane at home, reading Plato in the original. On his enquiry why she omitted sharing in the pastime which the others were enjoying in the park; "Alas," said she, "these good folks never felt what pleasure is. Their sports do not deserve the name, when compared with the enjoyment furnished by Plato." At sixteen, this beautiful young girl performed the duties of a wife with the same excellence as she had previously done those of a daughter. At seventeen, condemned to die by the sanguinary Mary, she laid her head on the block with composure, and died like a Christian. It is needful to apologize for introducing this awkward old story? but it is done merely to shew how well our modern ladies of fashion have succeeded in rubbing off the rust of former times.

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Line 463.] According to the new and prevailing theory of the day, gout and other similar inflammations are produced by an accumulation of caloric, or fire, in the part affected; and hence the very natural remedy has been adopted of pouring cold water on the part to extinguish the distemper. Query, whether boiling water would not do as well? It certainly extinguishes a common fire quite as rapidly.

Line 465.] It is also a late theory that pains in the bowels result from the chyle refusing to mix properly with the bile--a very rational theory, and very fit to be understood by the ladies.

Line 469.] The author has here taken some liberties with chemical language, probably from discovering its untractability in poetry; but all his learned and fair readers will readily perceive what he means. But if they find fault with his poetical licence, candour will oblige
[52]
them to applaud his delicacy, since he has only talked of snuffing up, without alluding to the more favourite experiment of producing a beautiful fire-work by holding a candle to ----- when -------.

Line 470.] This gentleman is the well known inventor of the celebrated invisible liquor termed the oxygenated oxyd of azote. Only a few ladies of the first rank have been admitted to the honour of getting muddy with this liquor? and for the sake of appearances, even

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those who have been introduced only one by one, at convenient time and place.

Line 485.] It is to me inexplicable why the proprietors of the R---l----n, have omitted to introduce a course of anatomical lectures for the fair sex. It would certainly be productive of far more entertainment than either moral philosophy or botany, and would attract much larger audiences.

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Line 513.] My learned readers are not unacquainted with the fashionable modern theory that all phenomena of being, all the actions and motions both of body and soul, result entirely from various modifications of chemical attractions and repulsions, acting on inert matter. This is a charming theory; for besides that it fully accounts for every thing, it fairly gets rid of all those foolish notions of future responsibility, heaven,

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hell, and so forth, which have so long annoyed the imaginations of men, and converted many a delicious attraction and repulsion into horrible sins.

Line 522.] This tender scene took place some years ago, on the pier at Ramsgate, during the embarkation of our troops for the continent.

Line 524.] "The fanned snow
"That's bolted by the northern blast
thrice o'er."
SHAKESPEARE.

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Line 576.] It is to be apprehended that the Cobbet, the political executioner of our age, will put this practice of be-paragraphing in the newspapers out of countenance, or at least that he will render the encomiastic effusions insufferably tame and spiritless. His comments on two famous dinners, the one given in honour of an actress, the other given by a company of actors in honour of their manager, have done much to shake the nerves of more than one candidate for fashionable fame.

Line 582.] there is nothing in which the officers of our guards have so remarkably evinced their superiority over the marching regiments, as by their great excel-

[59]
lence in enacting of plays. It is astonishing how genteely some of these gentlemen can play the hero; with what a terrible swagger they shake their foils; and how manfully they drive the enemy--behind the scenes. Although they should not be able to prevent Buonaparte's march to London, yet assuredly, if he can be prevailed on to go to a private theatre, and see mighty warriors frown, bellow, stamp, and shake the boards, it cannot fail to frighten him back over the channel. Admirable school for valour! Excellent plan for raising the dignity of the army!--But private theatres are not less admirable seminary for female chastity than for male heroism; and therefore we cannot sufficiently applaud those parents who permit their daughters to exhibit their pretty limbs betimes in tempting attitudes, in these public-private resorts of the loving and the languishing.

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Line 603.] In common discourse, the dresser of a cook's-shop.

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Line 642.] "Thy liberal hand, they judging eye,
" Thy flower unheeded shall descry;
" Shall raise from earth the latent gem,
"To glitter in the diadem!"
GRAY.

Line 645.] Whether this jewel of the first water was sold for a great sum, or given as a present, is not agreed among historians. The latter, however, seems most probable, as it was only among friends.

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Line 647.] There is no one to whom these poor unhappy hacknies have been so often applied:
"Grace was in all her steps; heaven in her eye,
"In every gesture dignity and love."

Line 648.] Mistake not, gentle reader, it was not the antiquated court of Great Britain.

Line 651.] "And is, when unadorn'd, adorn'd the
most."

The embellishments here alluded to are such as the fair Eve wore before she saw the necessity of the fig-leaf; or such as decked the beauteous queen of the foolish Phrygian prince, when he exhibited to her the entranced eyes of Gyges. It is said that the great superiority of the Grecian sculptors and painters in the delineation of the female form, proceeded from their studying the living subject in this most elegant attire; and the virtuoso alluded to was too great a lover of fine arts, not to employ his mistress or his wife thus innocently for their promotion.

Line 653.] It is curious to observe the effects of

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habit in blunting the edge of our most unruly propensities. An accoucheur daily approaches the finest women with as much indifference as a grocer's apprentice looks into a hogshead of sugar. It is the same with those meagre-faced sons of the fine arts, who are daily gazing on, and nightly dreaming of the beauties of nature. They study a fine woman, with the same emotion, whether she be formed of flesh or marble; it is perhaps an exaggeration to suppose any beauties so luxuriant as to excite in them emotions of ordinary men.

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Line 677.] Bestrid! Alas--the past tense.

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Line 725.] One of them, indeed, is knotted again for the present; but most people are of opinion that 'tis a running knot, which will slip at the first pull.

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Line 767.] It was rather too liberal to exhibit with such a pellucid fig-leaf in the drawing room; and however mortifying it must have been for the surrounding youths to be deprived of the spectacle, yet certainly a great personage acted consistently with decorum, in desiring the naked to be cloathed before appearing in public.

Line 769.] We read of a wretched poet who was employed by Alexander the Great to sing his praises, on the condition that for every good line lie was to receive a hundred pieces of gold, and for every bad one a hundred lashes. Tradition says that the poor poet did not long survive the bargain, which proved as bad for him as the sentence of a modern court-martial. Had the bargain been struck with our Poets Laureat, the country would have saved many an annual hundred pounds.

Line 770.] It is inexpressible how much the dignity of the court is supported by retaining these pieces of ancient deformity in dress. It may, indeed, seem somewhat odd that the court should solicitously retain the appearance of barbarism, while the people have pro-

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ceeded so far in civilization. Will the nature of real grandeur never be understood?

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Line 807.] "She never told her love,
"But let concealment, like a worm i' th' bud,
"Feed on her damask cheek: She pined in thought,
"And with a green and yellow melancholy,
"She sat, like Patience on a monument,
"Smiling at grief."
SHAKESPEARE

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Line 825.] Too a lady of taste and fashion this is a

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matrimonial grievance altogether insupportable. What can there be in a silly bantling, a source of vexation while young, and perhaps a rival when it grows older, to recompense such a vacuity in life, such a separation from every thing delightful, such deformity, such longings!

Matri longa decem tulerunt fastidia menses!

Fortunately that same round of enjoyments, which renders the evil insupportable, also tends powerfully to its prevention. A high-born, high-bred, high-fed lady is rarely troubled with too numerous a brood. Were she to litter like the wife of a peasant, good heavens! the thing would be past endurance; and the advertizing quack near Temple Bar would have to strike out another private entrance.

Line 827.] Most of my readers are not ignorant of the violent perturbation which is officious and wild enthusiast excited, about twenty years ago, among the higher female circles of Paris and London. He was popular, he was universally read: his opinion were the guides of the times, the rage of the fashionable world. He seized this opportunity to expose the shameful apathy of mothers, the cruel dereliction of babes. With his glowing pencil he depicted the miseries to which the

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unhappy infant abandoned, when delivered over to the care of a hireling nurse. He shewed the absurdity of supposing that a mother, who has the strength to bring a child into the world, is not also provided with the means and power to afford its natural nourishment. If mothers were deaf to the calls of humanity, and unmoved by the softest appeals of nature, he called upon the selloff not wantonly to throw away that filial tenderness, that delicate plant which they ought to nourish from their breasts, and which would prove the shade, the solace, and the pride of the declining years. To the unnatural dereliction of infants, he traced that total disregard of parental authority, which diffused licentiousness almost from the cradle, and rendered the ties of the parent and child the chain of lasting wretchedness.
To these sentiments the name of Rousseau forced attention. His reasoning was sound, his eloquence pathetic, his satire poignant and irresistible. Mothers now begin to perform, from shame, the duties which they had refused to the voice of nature; and the Parisian circles of fashion soon saw the miraculous spectacle of young women, lovely, gay, and noble, suckling their own children. Britain is time imitated an example, which her boasted morality ought to have set. The Duchess of Devonshire, who, with many human failings, possessed a warmth of heart, and a vigour of mind

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rarely found in her sex, and still more rarely in her rank, led the way in this honourable reformation; and shewed that the duties of a mother could be performed without disgrace, and that the life and happiness of a child were to be purchased even with a temporary derangement of the bosom.
Unfortunate Rousseau! Let not this verdant wreathe be scattered from thy tomb. Thy failings were many, thy errors not a few: yet thy frailties may be palliated by thy education and thy distresses; and even over thy vices a veil may be thrown by the most cruel malady incident to human nature. Thy virtues ought not to perish, nor thy services to mankind forgotten. Let those moralists who would boot thee from society, lay their hands on their hearts, and say what social benefit they have conferred equal to that now related. It was a vice which seemed incurable: a vice the mother of a thousand vices--
Hac fonte derivata clades
In patriam populumque fluxit.

Line 830.] This is another terrible piece of constraint under which the effects of Rousseau's doctrines have laid fashionable mothers. It is not enough that they suckle their infants; they must also have them near them, caress them, amuse them, shew an interest in their welfare. To render this drudgery more sup-

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portable, ingenious mothers have thought of employing the occasion as no bad opportunity to make a display of feeling. The children are accordingly produced before all guests; the fond mother is ever seen hanging round their necks, dropping tears into their little bosoms, casting her eyes to Heaven, giving thanks for these dear pledges, and for a heart that can feel the blessing! This new fashion has a mew mane; it is called maternity; and is a present accounted one of the prettiest modes in which a lady of the Ton can display her sensibility.


Line 839.] The following description includes the most improved plan of procedure for a woman of fashion who has a daughter. The plague of having continually in the way, from the time she quits the nurse's arms, till she can be produced in form to the world, is beyond all patience, if one is placed in the region of life, and new pleasures every moment press to be enjoyed. Besides, the creature, if at home, must often

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be seen by visitors in this interval: her face becomes familiar to every one, and she is quite stale before she is introduced, or published, as it is termed. Her debut attracts no attention: it is but as an old play revived. 'Tis a miracle if the thing takes; and if she does not hang on one's hands for five or ten years to come. Quite as bad is it to send her to boarding-school: the aukward ignorant baby returns at sixteen, Mrs. Chapone in her head, and her feet a la d'Egville; the oddest compound ever huddled together; and no more fit for a drawing-room than a donkey for Rotten-row. Before such an animal knows how to manage her eyes and fingers, her freshness is quite gone, and all the world after a new phenomenon. In this dilemma, it was a gallant thought of the Marchioness to let her town-house for a term of years, immune herself resolutely in the old castle; undertake, with the aid of a Parisian governess, to mould her growing daughter into something human; give her a glance of every accomplishment; and teach her to play them off to the best advantage: then, the necessary period of her durance expired, cause her house to be repaired, and new furnished, have her preparations for return blazoned abroad, and then re-appear in the world like a comet from the outskirts of its orbit. The scheme succeeded to her wish! the beautiful Maria captivate all men,

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and was carrie doff in three weeks by one of the first peers of the realm. Nor did the Marchioness lose by her long captivity: her face had all the charms of novelty as well as her daughter's; and the old Marquis having died during her recess, she soon tasted the sweets of a new honey-moon. Her example has since been the guide among women of spirit, as may be yearly seen in the columns of our fashionable newspapers.

Line 840.] This is a circumstance which ought to be carefully attended to; as few things are of so much importance as the announcing paragraphs. They should be inserted in the Post or Herald at some of these fortunate intervals of public attention, when there is nothing so singular as to be talked of by every one. The following form of a paragraph for announcing the re-appearance and has met with approbation:
"It is with infinite satisfaction that the fashionable world have learnt the arrival of Lady D--- with her lovely daughter. No one had forgot the shining figure which her ladyship made, when she yielded to the feelings of maternal tenderness, and sacrificed all the joys of splendour and admiration, to devote herself to the education of the beautiful Louisa. That delicious blossom is now matured; and the fruit is as rich as it is delicate. Nor are the merits of Lady D--- without

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reward. Besides the inexpressible pleasure of seeing her daughter all-accomplished, the fresh air and tranquil pleasures of the country have given a tint to her complexion, and a lustre to her eyes, as captivating as they are uncommon. We do not wonder that such a crowd of expecting youths attended at the door to see the lovely pair alight."
The following paragraph, announcing an intended union, appeared lately in the papers, and is certainly a model:
"Whatever our contemporaries may have said, we can, from the best authority, contradict the reported union of the Earl of --- and the Lady D---'s beautiful daughter. Such indeed is the enchantment of that bewitching creature, that we do not wonder his lordship should have adventured, among so many others, for the golden fruit. She, however still 'smiles to all, favours to non extends'--yet we could name a nobel and gallant marquis who has caught some glances which so many would have died to gain. Should his successes be as marked at the bonny duchess's grand party of fashionables, where the charming pair will this evening meet, he will cause many a noble swain to wear the willow."

Line 843.] Instances have lately occurred in which persons of all descriptions have carried off Right

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Honourable fair ones in triumph. Nor ought this to excite our surprise. that education which teaches the young mind to regard external shew and splendour as the supreme good, and the arts of catching a man of rank and wealth as the only one useful acquirements, imparts no real dignity to the character. The female becomes degraded in her own estimation, and is conscious of no meanness where appearances can be saved. But the heart will have its longings as well as the eye; and where a fine coat, and a fine fellow, are fairly balanced against each other, it is ten to one if opportunity does no turn the scale. An education which should inspire religious and moral principles, and impart real dignity to the mind, would be a surer guardian of female virtue, than the watchful dragon of the Hesperian gardens.

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Line 855.] I have often wondered at the absurdity of those persons who call out for an abolition of sinecure places and pensions, and represent them as useless incumbrances. Useless! In the name of common sense, if these were abolished, how is it possible that the younger branches of our noble families should be decently provided for? It is impossible for the most wealthy nobleman to provide for a number of sons and daughters, without impoverishing the family fortunes, without wounding the aristocracy to the quick, without endangering a lamentable decay of the most flourishing branch of our glorious constitution. But by means of a large supply of pensions, and of places befitting the habits of the nobleman, these evils are averted. The peer is enabled to expand his whole income in maintaining his splendour; he transmits his estate unimpaired to the heir of his honours; and the nobility are preserved in their ancient predominancy over the rest of the community. To procure such transcendant advantages, is it not proper that a large portion of our taxes should go to maintain the young branches of noble houses? Is it not expedient that, to use the energetic language of Mr. Fox, "the lower classes of the society should be driven from the parlour to the garret, and from the garret to the cellar?"

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[Hamilton, Lady Anne] (1766-1846)

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[Footnotes appear to be missing or paginated wrong/ continue on with page number and contents of page/ footnotes start without a reference point, but poem appears to be fine]

chariots, and generally acted both as postillions and grooms to themselves. It is probable in imitation of this ancient and renowned custom, that our modern heroes are so frequently found mounted on the coach-box in the appropriate dress, and intermingled with their undistinguishable lacquies in the stable.

Line 875.] The ladies of the same age were employed chiefly in preparing woollen stuffs for the men; and, strange to tell! the fair ones of Priam's court were uncommonly notable wool-combers, spinsters, weaver, and tailors. It appears, however, that Cupid was nowise deterred by a distaff: but as there were, in that age, no routs, balls, gaming-tables, operas, masquerades, at which one could meet another, the good offices of such kind hearted gentlemen as Sir Pandarus must have been of uncommon utility.

Line 879.] It is pleasing to see traces of the rites of ancient times still preserved. The goddess Nox was, in days of old, peculiarly favourable to all the votaries of pleasure and freedom, and was hence the particular object of their admiration. In our days, such is the gratitude of the whole world of fashion, as well as of sharp-

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ers, that they scarcely perform any of their mysteries unless under her influence.

Line 881.] "The moon
"Riding near her highest noon."
MILTON.

Line 885.] See the play of Troilus and Cressida, in which the feats of Pandarus are held forth to the admiration and imitation of all posterity.

Line 887.] Vide the researches of Mr. Grell, &c. &c.

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Line 893.] It may here be necessary to remark that ladies, once admitted into the circles of fashion, and who afterwards so far save appearance as to live on certain terms with their husbands, and to avoid a prosecution in a court of law, may be, and are, visited freely, and without any danger of scandal. This consideration ought to be most seriously weighed by all females of distinction. They have ample latitude allowed them by our generous customs; and surely it cannot require much skill, in the present state of things, to avoid being found . In former times, unsuspected hackney-coaches, and close chairs were resorted to as the means of concealment: Now the affair is much more securely managed under the protection of a privileged name.

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Line 904.] "Omne tulit punctum, qui miscuit utile
"dulci."
HORACE.
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Line 930.] This nobleman, as report says determining to procure a woman, whose heart dissipation had not debauched, and who should love him, entirely for his own personal merits, disguised himself like a peasant, and in this attire betook himself to the labours of husbandry in a distant part of the country. Here, by happy chance, he met with the object which he sought; and in his blooming bride found innocence without affection, love, without avarice or ambition, and beauty fresh from the hands of nature.

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Line 916.] "Borne on bright wing."
MILTON.

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Line 951.] This is the modern justification for wearing rouge, as black patches were formerly worn to set off the whiteness of the skin. I confess it would be unjustifiable to deny this ornament to the ladies of the stage, whose glances have to shoot "athwart the gloom profound" of Drury Lane theatre: only, as a friend, I would advise them not to daub it on so abominably that each cheek reminds the people of the galleries of hung beef painted on a sign-board. As to other ladies, I have nothing at present to say to them. Let those, who are curs'd with wall eyes, e'en rouge to give them something like lustre. But it shall ever be my opinion, that countenances, which have any thing to express, will always express it; and that the eyes will always sparkle when the heart expands with gaiety and good-humour.

Line 953.] Vide Parisot, &c. &c.

Line 954.] Nell Gwyn, the celebrated mistress of Charles the Second, maintained a considerable sway over him, in spite of that licentious monarch's unbounded passion for variety. She was a person of infinite good-humour, and bore the rule incident to her

[91]
situation with perfect composure. It is told of her coachman, that being one day insulted by a brother -whip with the jeer that "he served a w--," he stript and asserted his honour in a sound bruising match. Nell was attracted by the noise of the scuffle, and, on learning the affair from her coachman, "Pugh!" said she, "why do you get yourself bruised for what every one knows!" "Z--ds, ma'am," replied the coachman, "everyone may know that you are a w-- , but every one is not to say that I serve a w--!" Ti the honour of this frail sister be it told, she was almost the only patroness of the unfortunate Otway. We find, by lamentable dedications to her, that the heredity nobles, those chosen guardians of merit, saw this fine genius sinking into the grave from pressure of poverty, while he turned his fainting eyes to the bounty of an actress and a prostitute! The times, it may be said, are changed--Alas! within our own memory, such was the fate of unhappy Savage. Deserted by the nobility to whom he was allied, abandoned to profligacy and hunger, the remnant of his miserable life was protracted by a pension from Mrs. Abingdon.

Line 957.] The celebrated Polly was, first, mistress to the late Duke of Bolton, and, after the death of his

[92]
wife, became his duchess. Nor must we here omit an anecdote of the late famous critic and divine, Dr. Joseph Warton, as it reflects so much honour on the liberality of the Church, in countenancing the poor frailties of the age. The Duke's first wife had long been sinking under a lingering illness, and every day was fondly expected by the lovers to be her last. During this sickening interval of hope deferred, his Grace and Polly resolved to travel; but as he was anxious to raise his fair companion to the honour of his legal bed-fellow, as soon as the course of nature should free him from his present incumbrance, he thought it proper to be accompanied by a chaplain, who should perform the ceremony without delay as soon as the departure of the old duchess should be announced. For this honourable purpose Dr. Joseph Warton was selected, and made no scruple to quit a small living and his pastoral duties, for an agreeable tour and the hopes of future preferment. Some occurrences, however, made him sensible that there were certain little inconveniences incident to a clergyman following promotion in the train of a chere amie; and therefore, after dancing attendance for some time, and despairing that the wished-for event would ever arrive, he took his leave, and returned to England. But scarcely had he set his foot on his parsonage, when the unlucky Doctor learnt that the Duchess was dead!

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He instantly wrote to the Duke, bumbly requesting that he might be permitted again to wait on him, and tie the happy knot. But the impatient lovers had already borrowed the aid of the chaplain to the English embassy at Paris, and poor Warton had nothing for his pains but the recollection of his tour and his honours.

Line 959.] Tyrian purple is, in plain English, scarlet. As it formed the celebrated dress of a certain noted lady of Babylon, it is with uncommon propriety applied to ornament all females of a similar description.

Line 962.] The epithet hoyden is applied here in honour of the personage in question, since it is from the representation of this character that her brightest laurels have sprung. I have applauded her in the Romp, and admired her in the Cobler's wife, but how she acts the princess I cannot say, for I have never seen her in that character.

Line 965.] I cannot conceive why Cobbet should

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have been so very indignant at a great personage handing the "fair maid with many children" to her seat of honour. Does he not think that she is perfectly good company for -----, or -----, or ----- ? Or, in truth, can he allege that she is not every way quite dignified enough for the station which she holds?

Line 970.] There is a degree of indecency from which even the vulgar revolt, and which the most profligate cannot tolerate. It is indeed not less foolish than shameful in a woman, if she imagines that, by such immodest exposures as are here alluded to, she does not rather disgust than allure. It is some consolation to modesty, that offences against her are resented even in the playhouse. I could hear the upper gallery hiss, and the very rakes in the side boxes cry out "Tis too bad!"

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Line 978.] It was rather a strange coincidence of lucky hits, that this sprightly damsel should get ten or twenty thousand pounds by eighths and quarters of lottery tickets; and that the simple humble thing should have kept the secret to herself for two years afterwards. Such a thing is rarely heard of between Mile-End and Grosvenor Place.

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Line 1018.] When the education of a London boarding school is brought forward in a public court of justice, by a learned counsel, as a sufficient cause for suspecting a young lady's moral principles, it is surely time for parents to look into it. I do not mean to insinuate that the persons who keep such houses are themselves vicious, far less that they have any intention to corrupt the morals of their fair pupils. The late discoveries of the Society for the Suppression of Vice, concerning the delectations presented to one sense, have, indeed, raised a hue and cry, and made my neighbours in the country look upon these seminaries as little better than preparatory schools for the bagnio. But the idea is incorrect; especially if it intimates that the governesses have any intentions to lead their pupils astray. They are willing enough to keep all things to rights for their own reputation. They only know not how it is to be effected.
Ignorance is, in some circumstances, as bad in its consequences as a vicious intention. This is more especially the case in regard to the education of the young.

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How often do we see children, from the mistakes views of the fondest parents, ruined in their nonage, and rendered incapable either of knowledge or virtue? The mistresses of boarding schools are certainly anxious that their female pupils should make as fine a figure as possible: but as to moral education, mental improvement, &c. why if you talked of of such a thing the good ladies would simper, and ask if you thought the geography master could teach it?
To compound drugs requires a long course of instruction; and to make pins a seven years' apprenticeship; but to keep a boarding-school is not an occupation that is supposed to require any preparation. It is the usual shift of every decayed gentlewoman, every ill-provided widow, who can scrape together money enough for the speculation. No matter for her disqualifications, she is well enough for the mistress of a boarding-school. That the pupils shoul be improved is desirable enough, for it brings reputation--But assuredly the mistress of the school can attend but very little to this business. She must look to the main object, the making of a little money. She must put in practice the numerous arts for catching pupils, she must receive and cajole their relationships; she must keep a watchful eye after her perquisites [original spelling].
But indeed, however well qualified the governess might

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be, she would neglect her own interest sadly, if she did not pay all her attention to the showy accomplishments. For what is a young lady sent to school, but to learn a manner, and to make a figure at the piano, or in the dance? And is not the applause bestowed on the governess exactly in proportion to the progress of the pupil in these attainments? No matter what morals she has learnt, or what pictures she has seen, if she only be an elegant woman. On passing a very elegant mansion, not far from Portland Place, a lady, who accompanied me, observed that it was the most fashionable boarding school in town, and that nothing could exceed the elegance of the education. I was anxious to know the particulars--"Ah Sir, " said she, "they have not only masters for the usual branches of education. They have even masters to hand them in a fashionable style from the drawing- room to the dining-table, and to teach them to step into a carriage with grace!"

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Line 1131.] I should imagine that the hero here alluded to has nearly attained that climax of fame in the annals of gallantry, which the younger Lord Lyttleton seems to have reached, when he informs a friend, that his successes among the sex had rendered him so formidable, that no modest woman would now be seen in his company.

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Line 1166.] Such practices have, fortunately for this country, been more common in the council of France that the cabinet of Great Britain. Yet even in this country, they have occasionally been felt, and perhaps no reign, that of King William scarcely expected, has been freer from them than the present. The Stuarts were not the only princes who sacrificed the honour of their country, and their own safety, to the intrigues of their wives and mistresses. How honourable is it for a queen to forego that influence which she might have

[107]
attained, and to sacrifice vanity and passion to the good of her country!

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Line 1187.] This was, in former times, an usual expedient by which courtiers brought themselves into favour, and kings and queens procured a supply for their extravagance. Those who made their way to offices in this manner could not be supposed to possess any yearnings of a disinterested patriotism; and the pillaged nation repaid, in ample measure, the losses of the gaming table. How degrading were such practices to royalty! How deplorable for this country should they ever be renewed.